Dis-Ignorate (tori_lynn_lives) wrote in transparent_cy,

Something My Daughter Asked

Last week my 11 year old girl asked through her tears...why did you have to transform daddy...why did you have to go on TV and be in the newspaper and make my mom all mad. It took me till last night before I had a clear answer that I could give her that she might be able to understand. 

I needed to martyr myself for the cause...I needed to make this transition public for everyone that comes behind me...for every woman that has to look at her wife one day and say...I can't live a lie anymore...I need to change genders...that those women's children...I had to do this for them, so that maybe, just maybe thier kids won''t have to be picked on, so that thier wife will be able to say..."ok, that sort of thing happens"...I had to do this publicly so that man won't lose the children he gave birth to because his parent's are pissed that he changed thier daughter into himself. Because the more people that do what I did...that stand up and face the world and say "I'm not going to take this anymore, I'm not gonna sit back and let you keep me in this incorrect gender box for the rest of my life". Because if more people had the guts to face the world and say "being transsexual doesn't make me a freak" it would become more commonplace and it would be less impacting on the lives of those effected.  Because if this community of transfolk had started standing up to the world 30 years ago, maybe my kids wouldn't have had to endoure the bullshit that thier egg-donar puts them through because of me.

I don't want anyone else's children to have to endure what mine has, or my buddy's two boys have, or what countless other children have to face when one of thier parents can no longer live with the incongruency of having a gender that doesn't match the body outside. I wouldn't change who I am for anything. But gawd it would have been great for this NOT to be a huge deal...It would have been nice if our world replied..."oh you want to change your body to match your internal sence of gender...no problem...step right up sister...lets make this happen for you, It happens all the time. We can schedule that surgery right away."

Why does this have to be so suspect? Why does this have to be stigmatized? Why does it have to be so awkward to tell the people that raised us that our body doesn't feel right and we'd like to fix it? Why can't more people stand up for ourselves? I don't think It has to be this way. If we start to eduacte people and stick our neck out just a bit. We can all make a difference for our children and thier children.
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I remember when I was younger the civil rights movement and the day MLK died was one of the days that I saw that violence would again take a life of a belief. I lived throught the Vietnam war and all the movements for peace.

So today I say we have to stand up for our dignity and rights. If our children are brought up to see us finding our true selves and it is done with dignity and in a way that says that we are not doing immoral things rather living in a manner that is freeing, then we have taken a step for civil rights.

Society always tries to homogenize itself and insulate against any of us taking a step outside and asserting our rights and freedoms. What is always to our childrens benefit is that they see that each individual is unique and has the freedom to be themselves.

So take heart Tori, you may wonder and it may sting you that you have felt the anger and confusion, but you will also see your children open their eyes a little to see that life is even more wonderful.


This is not a question that my children ask me. As long as I can remember they have been taught to stand up and speak what needs to be said in public whether they get in trouble for it or not. That's why we will all be at the Transforming Identity Conference, Feb 24th in Burlington, VT to talk about our family.